Jokes

A Jamaican country prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand --- a frail, grandmotherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy. He approached her and asked "Miss Ivy, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes me nuh yu Missa Williams. Me know yuh since yu ah young bwoy an quite frankly, yu ah one big disappointment. Yu lie, yu use fe tief bokkle and bruk people shap; yu gie yu wife bun, yu manipulate people an talk su-su pan dem behine dem back. Yuh tink say yu a big shat, an yu nuh know say yu a go come to nutten. Dat fool-fool brains yu ave mek yu a two-bit papa pusha. Yes, me know yu - yu liad, good fe nutten...." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Miss Ivy, do you...

Little Johnny and his father went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store Little Johnny looked around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. He looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities. He went to his father and asked, "Daddy, what are these condoms?" His father stuttered, and said, "They are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love." Little Johnny contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then, why do these come in a package of three?" His father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon. "UH-HUH" said...

Yuh wing soon clip Yuh mus tink seh mi born behind cow Puss an dawg nuh have de same luck Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad Dawg know who fi bite Duppy know who fi frighten Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina Yuh head faver johncrow airport Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet But unu see mi dying trial! Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn" If yuh don't hear yuh will feel Yuh free paper soon burn Yuh more harm than hurt Wen poop a chat, fart deh near It holey holey but it clean But cuh pon yuh too Use deh one stone an kill deh two...

"Mi old, but mi nuh cold" [Do not underestimate the value of the elderly] "Every mikkle mek a mukkle" [Every little bit counts] "Every dawg has his day and every puss his 4 o'clock" [Today for me, tomorrow for you] "Cock mouth kill cock" [Watch your mouth, it can get in the great trouble!] "Sorry fi mawga dog, mawga dog wi tun round bite you" [Sometimes it is those whom we help who are the least grateful "Duppy know who fi frighten" [Bullies pick on those who can defend themselves the least] "De olda de moon, de brigher it shines" [The older a person is, the wiser] "Hog say, 'de first dutty water mi ketch, mi wash'." [Make use of the first opportunities that comes your way] "One eye man a king in...

A Jamaican bank robber went into a bank at Half Way Tree and pulled out a gun and said: "Hevry baddy lie dung pon di grung or ah shoot yuh bloodclaat" "Tella! full up de grip wid dollaz." After the teller filled up the suitcase with money, the robber said to one man on the ground: "You deh! Yuh see a rabbry ere toodeh?" The man said "Yes! mi see every ting." So he shot the man dead and said to the next man lying beside him, "You deh! Yuh see a rabbry ere toodeh?" The man said "No sah! but mi wife see every ting."

The Jamaican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: Now Marie, why you feel you deserve a pay increase? Marie: Well, ma'am, three reasons why I want de increase. The first one, mi iron better than you! Wife: Who said you iron better than me? Marie: Your husband says so. Wife: Oh. Marie: The second reason........ah cooks better than you. Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me? Marie: Your husband again Wife: Oh. Marie: My last reason is that I am a better lover than you. Wife: (really furious now): My husband says that as well?? Marie: No ma'am, the Gardener. Wife: How much yuh seh you want again?

The Jamaican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: Now Marie, why you feel you deserve a pay increase? Marie: Well, ma'am, three reasons why I want de increase. The first one, mi iron better than you! Wife: Who said you iron better than me? Marie: Your husband says so. Wife: Oh. Marie: The second reason........ah cooks better than you. Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me? Marie: Your husband again Wife: Oh. Marie: My last reason is that I am a better lover than you. Wife: (really furious now): My husband says that as well?? Marie: No ma'am, the Gardener. Wife: How much yuh seh you want again?

A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Jamaican insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the Jamaican, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-...

A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that there are different Hells for each country. First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there. "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He doesn't like this so he moves on. He goes to the U.S. Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same. Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks, "Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh,This is the Jamaican Hell" "What do they do in here?" He asks. "Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: An American man,an English man and a Jamaican man. For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The American said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife" The Agent replies," Then you're not the right man for this job." The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the English...

Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions? Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features. ConDucta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports. Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies. As unnu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time an' it still a drive like new! This bus seat up to 55...

Every morning John would drive down Long Lane. And almost every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $20. After a while John started to give the beggar $10. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing. After a while John started to give the Beggar $5. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it. He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5 and said, "What's happening man, yuh used to give me $20, then you cut it down to $10, and now this? John replied, "Bwoy, times have been hard; my eldest boy just started University and my daughter is now at High School ... so you know how it goes ..." The...

1. Never ask where yu man has been, where him coming from or where him going Don't always feel him going to another woman. If yu treated him right he will soon come back. If him don't come back, well you have to work pon dat! 2. Always make sure de food deh pon de table when him come thru de door. Member, "regular fried dumpling keeps your man a humping". 3. Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". A nuff ah dem like pork, but just don't call it pork ... yu mad! Call it a fancy foreign name like ham or franks! Ah it dem mother did grow dem up pon. 4. Never get upset if he accidentally sleeps with yuh friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, dem would have never slept with him if him was...

One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa." "A why yuh say good-bye Grandpa fa?" the father asked. "Mi noh know, " the little girl said. The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day, the grandmother died! Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickney can see inna de future. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye...

A man a beg a ride one night in a some heavy rain and pon top of it di place dark.Him could a hardly see. Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and asked for a double...

This Jamaican woman felt that her love life was slipping because her husband had no more interest in sex. While shopping one day, she passed an adult shop and saw some crotchless panties, so she decided to buy one and try to use it to excite and seduce him. That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual. She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu wah some a dis?". Her husband looks up at her wide-eyed and says. "No sah, yu mad, yuh nuh see wha it do to yu panty!"

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bed room closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is" Boy " I have a baseball." Man "That's nice" Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks" Boy "My dad/s outside..." Man "O.K. - How much?" Boy "$250" In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Dark in here" Man “ Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove" The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How...

Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat on the bed beside him he said, ' Yu know yu' deh wid mi through all the bad times. When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yu stood by mi side. When mi get shot, yu deh by mi side. When wi lost the house, yu was dere . When mi car crash an mi bruk up yu was dere When mi health started to fail, yu was dere, and when a start to get worse, yu was dere...right by mi side... Every time sumpn' bad happen to me yu is right dere.... Yu know something?.... Yu know sey it look like yu a crosses?'

Teacher:- what's wrong? Johny :- our house is very small. Me, my mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johny r u sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye" Teacher:- 2nite when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer. The following morning Johny comes back with a severe black eye again. Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again Johny? Johny:- Dad asked me again, Johny are u sleeping? & I shut up& kept dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, R u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, r u...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub. Okay, here's your test: 1. Would you use the spoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket? "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup." "Noooooo.." answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."