Jokes

"Mi old, but mi nuh cold" [Do not underestimate the value of the elderly] "Every mikkle mek a mukkle" [Every little bit counts] "Every dawg has his day and every puss his 4 o'clock" [Today for me, tomorrow for you] "Cock mouth kill cock" [Watch your mouth, it can get in the great trouble!] "Sorry fi mawga dog, mawga dog wi tun round bite you" [Sometimes it is those whom we help who are the least grateful "Duppy know who fi frighten" [Bullies pick on those who can defend themselves the least] "De olda de moon, de brigher it shines" [The older a person is, the wiser] "Hog say, 'de first dutty water mi ketch, mi wash'." [Make use of the first opportunities that comes your way] "One eye man a king in blind man country". [No...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bed room closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is" Boy " I have a baseball." Man "That's nice" Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks" Boy "My dad/s outside..." Man "O.K. - How much?" Boy "$250" In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Dark in here" Man “ Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove" The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How...

Teacher:- what's wrong? Johny :- our house is very small. Me, my mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johny r u sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye" Teacher:- 2nite when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer. The following morning Johny comes back with a severe black eye again. Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again Johny? Johny:- Dad asked me again, Johny are u sleeping? & I shut up& kept dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, R u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, r u...

Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them? The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man." The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Little Johnny and his father went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store Little Johnny looked around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. He looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities. He went to his father and asked, "Daddy, what are these condoms?" His father stuttered, and said, "They are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love." Little Johnny contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then, why do these come in a package of three?" His father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon. "UH-HUH" said...

A U.S. DEA officer under a co-operation agreement with Jamaica stopped at a farm in St Elizabeth with his team and engaged an old Rastaman in conversation. He told him, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown ganja (marijuana)." The Rastaman looked at them suspiciously and said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", and he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the U.S.A. and also of the Jamaican Government with me ! How dare you to tell me where I can go??" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the Rastaman..... "See this BADGE??! This badge means I am...

Two West Indians were drinking in a bar and complaining about their bossvthat he was a real pain in the butt always giving them a hard time. The next day they met at bar again and the Bajan began boasting to the Trini, "boy ah cuss out de boss man real good, and when ah done, ah ask 'e fuh a raise and he gih it to me." Trini looked at Bajan in suprise and asked "you mean he did'n fire you?". So the next day Trini went in to work and began to cuss up the boss who looked at him and promptly fired him on the spot. That afternoon when Trini met Bajan in the bar again, he told him what happened earlier. Bajan explained "Trini muh friend, when I cuss de bossman, I cuss he in muh mind."

A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that there are different Hells for each country. First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there. "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He doesn't like this so he moves on. He goes to the U.S. Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same. Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks, "Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh,This is the Jamaican Hell" "What do they do in here?" He asks. "Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay...

A man a beg a ride one night in a some heavy rain and pon top of it di place dark.Him could a hardly see. Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and asked for a double...

Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to their elderly mother: The first son said, "Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama." The second son said, "Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver" The third smiled and said, "Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15 years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di verse, an di parrot wi recite it." Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "A weh duh yuh...

An old Jamaican lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives. A beautiful young woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce." The old lady with a deadpan expression says nothing. Another young, beautiful, expensive-smelling woman enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce" The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the combined perfumes. One floor later, as the Jamaican lady approaches her destination, she quietly eases out a long silent fart, which quickly...

A Jamaican country prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand --- a frail, grandmotherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy. He approached her and asked "Miss Ivy, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes me nuh yu Missa Williams. Me know yuh since yu ah young bwoy an quite frankly, yu ah one big disappointment. Yu lie, yu use fe tief bokkle and bruk people shap; yu gie yu wife bun, yu manipulate people an talk su-su pan dem behine dem back. Yuh tink say yu a big shat, an yu nuh know say yu a go come to nutten. Dat fool-fool brains yu ave mek yu a two-bit papa pusha. Yes, me know yu - yu liad, good fe nutten...." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Miss Ivy, do you...

USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that? JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem. USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that. JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man. USA: I wish you would quit lying. JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad. USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta! USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long JAM: But wait, no Robot naah run todey! USA: Get me a pop please JAM: Beg yuh carry wan Aerated wata fi mi deh USA: It's time for a Perm JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough? USA: Yuck!! This is nasty. JAM: Kiss mi neck back!! What a sinting tase bad...

Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions? Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features. ConDucta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports. Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies. As unnu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time an' it still a drive like new! This bus seat up to 55...

An elderly Jamaican couple, in their 80's, went to a sex therapist's office and asks the doctor to watch them have sex. The doc is so amazed at such an elderly couple wanting sexual advise that he agrees. After watching them, the doc says, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex." He charges them $50 and they go on their way.The couple returns the next week and again ask the doc to watch them have sex. After several weeks of this, the doc finally asked the couple what they wanted him to find out. The old man replies, "we're not trying to find out anything. I'm married, so we can't go to my house, she's married so we can't go to her house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139. We do it...

A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks, "You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?" "Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6." So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?" "Yeah man, a me dat," replied the woman. "Well, a have a couple Hundred dollas...." he proudly announced. With that, the hooker interrupted him, grabbed the money, opened the door wide and hauled him by the shirt into the room. After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. "Yeah Man," Arlene said, "Me will deh yah." The next night, the fellow comes back and gives up...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub. Okay, here's your test: 1. Would you use the spoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket? "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup." "Noooooo.." answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

The Jamaican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: Now Marie, why you feel you deserve a pay increase? Marie: Well, ma'am, three reasons why I want de increase. The first one, mi iron better than you! Wife: Who said you iron better than me? Marie: Your husband says so. Wife: Oh. Marie: The second reason........ah cooks better than you. Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me? Marie: Your husband again Wife: Oh. Marie: My last reason is that I am a better lover than you. Wife: (really furious now): My husband says that as well?? Marie: No ma'am, the Gardener. Wife: How much yuh seh you want again?

Yuh wing soon clip Yuh mus tink seh mi born behind cow Puss an dawg nuh have de same luck Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad Dawg know who fi bite Duppy know who fi frighten Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina Yuh head faver johncrow airport Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet But unu see mi dying trial! Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn" If yuh don't hear yuh will feel Yuh free paper soon burn Yuh more harm than hurt Wen poop a chat, fart deh near It holey holey but it clean But cuh pon yuh too Use deh one stone an kill deh two...