Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions?
Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features.
ConDucta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports. Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies. As unnu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time an' it still a drive like new!
This bus seat up to 55 passenger, howeva, due to fi we commitment to excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling ina di streets. So expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by di time we reach downtown.
Durin' di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences.......... dese are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawlin' out "Lard Jesus mi dead now!" Our driva is an experience driva an' will mek sure di axle an' wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem. But in case we drap inna one an ca'an come out.
Please do not climb troo di window dem til unnu pay unnu bus fare....... or I will shat unnu r*ss wid mi 45.
Dis bus no equip wid seat belt. Please hole on pon di railin' when dibus a tun di cana dem. De bus is capable of drivin' pon 2 wheels 'roun' all canas an' bends. When di bus a tun one wicked cana pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat we seated passengers bear it if s'maddy slide dung inna dem seat an' squash yuh 'gainst di bus side. We seated passengers may experience standin' passengers losin' dem balance an' falling ova pon unnu ... please no yell out, "ey batty bway, coom aff a mi r*ss lap!" Dat might cause a serious shootout!
On exiting de bus please don' expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi askin' dat yuh hop aff a di bus an' step skillfull .... if unnu drap an' lan' pon unnu backside an' bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response.
Dis is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta a fact wi stop any which part wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle road wi stop. Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police ... in case of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unnu mout.
In case dis bus is hijacked by a teroris' known as "Pickpocket", hole di bway an' murda 'im, to r*ss. Dat said, if wi reach downtown inna wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fi shoob unnu dung before unnu can get aff Noh mine dem ..... seat kina ration.
Tank yuh for tekin' di iriest Rough Rider Encava pon di route.... and hope you enjoy di ride.