Jokes

Teacher:- what's wrong? Johny :- our house is very small. Me, my mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johny r u sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye" Teacher:- 2nite when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer. The following morning Johny comes back with a severe black eye again. Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again Johny? Johny:- Dad asked me again, Johny are u sleeping? & I shut up& kept dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving, u know, at the same time Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, R u coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, r u...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he g...ets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I...

The Queen and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Elizabeth, you may go in. Have a...

A Jamaican couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. and say "whey the bloodcloth" A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. 'Your honor, we jus a dance, and the man jus ran up and kick the gal between she legs.' 'That must have hurt,'' said the judge. ''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''It bruk up three a mi finga dem.'

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a...

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.Naturally He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself. She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

The Jamaican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: Now Marie, why you feel you deserve a pay increase? Marie: Well, ma'am, three reasons why I want de increase. The first one, mi iron better than you! Wife: Who said you iron better than me? Marie: Your husband says so. Wife: Oh. Marie: The second reason........ah cooks better than you. Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me? Marie: Your husband again Wife: Oh. Marie: My last reason is that I am a better lover than you. Wife: (really furious now): My husband says that as well?? Marie: No ma'am, the Gardener. Wife: How much yuh seh you want again?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub. Okay, here's your test: 1. Would you use the spoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket? "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup." "Noooooo.." answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and...

A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks, "You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?" "Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6." So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?" "Yeah man, a me dat," replied the woman. "Well, a have a couple Hundred dollas...." he proudly announced. With that, the hooker interrupted him, grabbed the money, opened the door wide and hauled him by the shirt into the room. After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. "Yeah Man," Arlene said, "Me will deh yah." The next night, the fellow comes back and gives up...