Jokes

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.Naturally He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself. She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

A Jamaican and a Trinidadian, waiting at the heavens gates, strike up a conversation. How did you die?' the Trinidadian man asked the Jamaican. I froze to death mon, said the Jamaican. That's awful! How does it feel to freeze to death? asked the Trinidadian. Well brother, it was very uncomfortable at first but when the cold hit, my whole body started to shake and I got pain in my fingers and toes. Eventually, it came, a very calm way to die. I got numb and then I just driffed off, like dying in a sleep. So how did you die Mon?' asked the Jamaican. I had a heart attack, says the Trinidadian. You see, I did believe my wife was cheating on me, so one day I show up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found...

A Jamaican couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. and say "whey the bloodcloth" A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. 'Your honor, we jus a dance, and the man jus ran up and kick the gal between she legs.' 'That must have hurt,'' said the judge. ''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''It bruk up three a mi finga dem.'

Every morning John would drive down Long Lane. And almost every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $20. After a while John started to give the beggar $10. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing. After a while John started to give the Beggar $5. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it. He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5 and said, "What's happening man, yuh used to give me $20, then you cut it down to $10, and now this? John replied, "Bwoy, times have been hard; my eldest boy just started University and my daughter is now at High School ... so you know how it goes ..." The...

4 jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach.They were all philosophizing on what the fastest thing in the world was. Seymour said "I tink de fassess ting is a thought because before you can tink it it already thought" Winston said "na man da fassess ting is a blink cos before you tink to blink you dun blink already" Delroy said "na man da fassess ting is helectricity because when you turn on the lite it travel fass and de lite come on" Leroy say "na man de fassessting is diarrhoea" `DIARRHOEA!` they all say. yes cos las nite before i could tink blink or switch de lite on me s--t meself

1. Never ask where yu man has been, where him coming from or where him going Don't always feel him going to another woman. If yu treated him right he will soon come back. If him don't come back, well you have to work pon dat! 2. Always make sure de food deh pon de table when him come thru de door. Member, "regular fried dumpling keeps your man a humping". 3. Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". A nuff ah dem like pork, but just don't call it pork ... yu mad! Call it a fancy foreign name like ham or franks! Ah it dem mother did grow dem up pon. 4. Never get upset if he accidentally sleeps with yuh friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, dem would have never slept with him if him was...

A rastaman went to visit an old family friend. Rastaman knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: " a who dat" rastaman say " i and i, jah rastafari, king of kings, lord of lord: Conquering lion of the tribe of judah, son of haile selassie i" the person inside replied: "a me one dey yah, an mi nah open de door fi so much ah oonu".

A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child? The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody" The judge turns to the rasta and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?" The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said, "Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ... 'I and I' or the machine?

A "dread" was living in rural Jamaica in a community that had no electricity supply. One evening he was reading his Bible (Macabee version) and meditating, assisted by lighting from a bedside lamp (Home Sweet Home), but was bothered by the constant nuisance of some mosquitoes. He could bear it no longer so he decided to cover up under his sheet in bed, but it was useless as the mosquitoes kept biting him on his ears through the sheet. He got up and blew out the lamp and went back under the sheets, hoping that the mosquitoes would not be able to bother him if they could not see him. The Mosquitoes did not bite him for a few minutes giving the "dread" hope that his so-called plan had worked out perfectly. Now he was only...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: An American man,an English man and a Jamaican man. For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The American said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife" The Agent replies," Then you're not the right man for this job." The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the English...