Jokes

This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus. A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. she tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. she tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt. He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing." Well the man says "Well lady...

USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl.... JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet? USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again. JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid! USA: This meal is not too bad JAM: Di food cyan eat USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy? JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis? USA: Hors d'oeurves? JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me? USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuh rass! USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu. JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie! USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate! JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up...

A jealous husband hires a private detective to follow his wife and check on her movements. The husband explains to the P.I., that he wanted more than just a written report, he wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returns with the evidence. They sit down together, and begin to watch the action. Although the quality has much to be desired, the husband sees his wife meeting another man! He watches as they frolic and laugh at the park. He's mesmerized as they enjoy themselves at an outdoor cafe and then dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. By the end of the video, he witnesses this stranger and his wife participating in over a dozen different activities, and all with utter glee. "I just can't...

An old Jamaican lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives. A beautiful young woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce." The old lady with a deadpan expression says nothing. Another young, beautiful, expensive-smelling woman enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce" The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the combined perfumes. One floor later, as the Jamaican lady approaches her destination, she quietly eases out a long silent fart, which quickly...

Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to their elderly mother: The first son said, "Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama." The second son said, "Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver" The third smiled and said, "Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15 years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di verse, an di parrot wi recite it." Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "A weh duh yuh...

A man a beg a ride one night in a some heavy rain and pon top of it di place dark.Him could a hardly see. Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and asked for a double...

"Mi old, but mi nuh cold" [Do not underestimate the value of the elderly] "Every mikkle mek a mukkle" [Every little bit counts] "Every dawg has his day and every puss his 4 o'clock" [Today for me, tomorrow for you] "Cock mouth kill cock" [Watch your mouth, it can get in the great trouble!] "Sorry fi mawga dog, mawga dog wi tun round bite you" [Sometimes it is those whom we help who are the least grateful "Duppy know who fi frighten" [Bullies pick on those who can defend themselves the least] "De olda de moon, de brigher it shines" [The older a person is, the wiser] "Hog say, 'de first dutty water mi ketch, mi wash'." [Make use of the first opportunities that comes your way] "One eye man a king in...

American: Porch Jamaican: Varanda American: Bathe, Shower Jamaican: Bade, Hol' A Fresh American: Collard Greens, Spinach Jamaican: Callaloo American: Stick Shift (Car) Jamaican: Standard American: Charge It Jamaican: Trus' It American: Can You Give Me A Lift To The Corner Jamaican: Beg Yu A Ride Go Dung Di Street Noh Sah American: Oh My God! Jamaican: Lawd A Mercy American: Excuse Me Jamaican: Beg Yu Pardon American: "You Wanna Fight?", Or "You Want A Piece Of Me" Jamaican: "Touch A Button!" "Touch A Button" American: Where Are You Going? Jamaican: Weh Yuh Deh Go? American: Excuse Me Jamaican: Gi Mi Pass American: Sorry Jamaican: Hush American: The Shoes Is A Little Tight Jamaican: Lawd...

A U.S. DEA officer under a co-operation agreement with Jamaica stopped at a farm in St Elizabeth with his team and engaged an old Rastaman in conversation. He told him, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown ganja (marijuana)." The Rastaman looked at them suspiciously and said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", and he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the U.S.A. and also of the Jamaican Government with me ! How dare you to tell me where I can go??" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the Rastaman..... "See this BADGE??! This badge means I am...

This Jamaican woman felt that her love life was slipping because her husband had no more interest in sex. While shopping one day, she passed an adult shop and saw some crotchless panties, so she decided to buy one and try to use it to excite and seduce him. That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual. She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu wah some a dis?". Her husband looks up at her wide-eyed and says. "No sah, yu mad, yuh nuh see wha it do to yu panty!"

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: An American man,an English man and a Jamaican man. For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The American said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife" The Agent replies," Then you're not the right man for this job." The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the English...

A Guyanese man is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam, when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Guyanese ignores the Trinidadian who, nevertheless starts a conversation Trini: "You Guyanese folks eat the whole bread?" Guyanesein a bad mood): "stupid, of course." (Trini after blowing a huge bubble) " We don't. In Trinidad, we only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Guyana. The Trini has a smirk on his face, and the Guyanese man listens in silence. Trini: " Do you eat jelly with the bread? Guyanese: " Of course we do." (Trini cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We...

Little Johnny and his father went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store Little Johnny looked around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. He looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities. He went to his father and asked, "Daddy, what are these condoms?" His father stuttered, and said, "They are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love." Little Johnny contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then, why do these come in a package of three?" His father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon. "UH-HUH" said...

A rastaman went to visit an old family friend. Rastaman knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: " a who dat" rastaman say " i and i, jah rastafari, king of kings, lord of lord: Conquering lion of the tribe of judah, son of haile selassie i" the person inside replied: "a me one dey yah, an mi nah open de door fi so much ah oonu".

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all.""Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

1. Never ask where yu man has been, where him coming from or where him going Don't always feel him going to another woman. If yu treated him right he will soon come back. If him don't come back, well you have to work pon dat! 2. Always make sure de food deh pon de table when him come thru de door. Member, "regular fried dumpling keeps your man a humping". 3. Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". A nuff ah dem like pork, but just don't call it pork ... yu mad! Call it a fancy foreign name like ham or franks! Ah it dem mother did grow dem up pon. 4. Never get upset if he accidentally sleeps with yuh friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, dem would have never slept with him if him was...

One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa." "A why yuh say good-bye Grandpa fa?" the father asked. "Mi noh know, " the little girl said. The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day, the grandmother died! Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickney can see inna de future. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye...

Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat on the bed beside him he said, ' Yu know yu' deh wid mi through all the bad times. When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yu stood by mi side. When mi get shot, yu deh by mi side. When wi lost the house, yu was dere . When mi car crash an mi bruk up yu was dere When mi health started to fail, yu was dere, and when a start to get worse, yu was dere...right by mi side... Every time sumpn' bad happen to me yu is right dere.... Yu know something?.... Yu know sey it look like yu a crosses?'