Jokes

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a...

The Queen and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Elizabeth, you may go in. Have a...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he g...ets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I...

Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat on the bed beside him he said, ' Yu know yu' deh wid mi through all the bad times. When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yu stood by mi side. When mi get shot, yu deh by mi side. When wi lost the house, yu was dere . When mi car crash an mi bruk up yu was dere When mi health started to fail, yu was dere, and when a start to get worse, yu was dere...right by mi side... Every time sumpn' bad happen to me yu is right dere.... Yu know something?.... Yu know sey it look like yu a crosses?'

One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa." "A why yuh say good-bye Grandpa fa?" the father asked. "Mi noh know, " the little girl said. The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day, the grandmother died! Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickney can see inna de future. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye...

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all.""Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

A Guyanese man is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam, when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Guyanese ignores the Trinidadian who, nevertheless starts a conversation Trini: "You Guyanese folks eat the whole bread?" Guyanesein a bad mood): "stupid, of course." (Trini after blowing a huge bubble) " We don't. In Trinidad, we only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Guyana. The Trini has a smirk on his face, and the Guyanese man listens in silence. Trini: " Do you eat jelly with the bread? Guyanese: " Of course we do." (Trini cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We...

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because...

A Jamaican bank robber went into a bank at Half Way Tree and pulled out a gun and said: "Hevry baddy lie dung pon di grung or ah shoot yuh bloodclaat" "Tella! full up de grip wid dollaz." After the teller filled up the suitcase with money, the robber said to one man on the ground: "You deh! Yuh see a rabbry ere toodeh?" The man said "Yes! mi see every ting." So he shot the man dead and said to the next man lying beside him, "You deh! Yuh see a rabbry ere toodeh?" The man said "No sah! but mi wife see every ting."

This Jamaican woman felt that her love life was slipping because her husband had no more interest in sex. While shopping one day, she passed an adult shop and saw some crotchless panties, so she decided to buy one and try to use it to excite and seduce him. That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual. She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu wah some a dis?". Her husband looks up at her wide-eyed and says. "No sah, yu mad, yuh nuh see wha it do to yu panty!"

American: Porch Jamaican: Varanda American: Bathe, Shower Jamaican: Bade, Hol' A Fresh American: Collard Greens, Spinach Jamaican: Callaloo American: Stick Shift (Car) Jamaican: Standard American: Charge It Jamaican: Trus' It American: Can You Give Me A Lift To The Corner Jamaican: Beg Yu A Ride Go Dung Di Street Noh Sah American: Oh My God! Jamaican: Lawd A Mercy American: Excuse Me Jamaican: Beg Yu Pardon American: "You Wanna Fight?", Or "You Want A Piece Of Me" Jamaican: "Touch A Button!" "Touch A Button" American: Where Are You Going? Jamaican: Weh Yuh Deh Go? American: Excuse Me Jamaican: Gi Mi Pass American: Sorry Jamaican: Hush American: The Shoes Is A Little Tight Jamaican: Lawd...

A "dread" was living in rural Jamaica in a community that had no electricity supply. One evening he was reading his Bible (Macabee version) and meditating, assisted by lighting from a bedside lamp (Home Sweet Home), but was bothered by the constant nuisance of some mosquitoes. He could bear it no longer so he decided to cover up under his sheet in bed, but it was useless as the mosquitoes kept biting him on his ears through the sheet. He got up and blew out the lamp and went back under the sheets, hoping that the mosquitoes would not be able to bother him if they could not see him. The Mosquitoes did not bite him for a few minutes giving the "dread" hope that his so-called plan had worked out perfectly. Now he was only...

A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child? The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody" The judge turns to the rasta and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?" The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said, "Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ... 'I and I' or the machine?

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution. The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution. The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "plums???" "Yes,plums" says the Bajan. The warden replies, "but them outa season!" "So?" replies the Bajan. "I gine wait..."

Harry was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning his wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Jamaican insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the Jamaican, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-...

"Mi old, but mi nuh cold" [Do not underestimate the value of the elderly] "Every mikkle mek a mukkle" [Every little bit counts] "Every dawg has his day and every puss his 4 o'clock" [Today for me, tomorrow for you] "Cock mouth kill cock" [Watch your mouth, it can get in the great trouble!] "Sorry fi mawga dog, mawga dog wi tun round bite you" [Sometimes it is those whom we help who are the least grateful "Duppy know who fi frighten" [Bullies pick on those who can defend themselves the least] "De olda de moon, de brigher it shines" [The older a person is, the wiser] "Hog say, 'de first dutty water mi ketch, mi wash'." [Make use of the first opportunities that comes your way] "One eye man a king in...

A jealous husband hires a private detective to follow his wife and check on her movements. The husband explains to the P.I., that he wanted more than just a written report, he wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returns with the evidence. They sit down together, and begin to watch the action. Although the quality has much to be desired, the husband sees his wife meeting another man! He watches as they frolic and laugh at the park. He's mesmerized as they enjoy themselves at an outdoor cafe and then dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. By the end of the video, he witnesses this stranger and his wife participating in over a dozen different activities, and all with utter glee. "I just can't...

USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl.... JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet? USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again. JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid! USA: This meal is not too bad JAM: Di food cyan eat USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy? JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis? USA: Hors d'oeurves? JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me? USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuh rass! USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu. JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie! USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate! JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up...

This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus. A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. she tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. she tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt. He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing." Well the man says "Well lady...