Jokes

USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that? JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem. USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that. JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man. USA: I wish you would quit lying. JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad. USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta! USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long JAM: But wait, no Robot naah run todey! USA: Get me a pop please JAM: Beg yuh carry wan Aerated wata fi mi deh USA: It's time for a Perm JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough? USA: Yuck!! This is nasty. JAM: Kiss mi neck back!! What a sinting tase bad...

A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child? The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody" The judge turns to the rasta and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?" The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said, "Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ... 'I and I' or the machine?

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and...

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.Naturally He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself. She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl.... JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet? USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again. JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid! USA: This meal is not too bad JAM: Di food cyan eat USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy? JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis? USA: Hors d'oeurves? JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me? USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuh rass! USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu. JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie! USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate! JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up...

This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus. A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. she tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. she tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt. He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing." Well the man says "Well lady...

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a...

Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to their elderly mother: The first son said, "Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama." The second son said, "Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver" The third smiled and said, "Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15 years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di verse, an di parrot wi recite it." Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "A weh duh yuh...

Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them? The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man." The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"

The Queen and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Elizabeth, you may go in. Have a...

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution. The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution. The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "plums???" "Yes,plums" says the Bajan. The warden replies, "but them outa season!" "So?" replies the Bajan. "I gine wait..."

A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks, "You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?" "Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6." So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?" "Yeah man, a me dat," replied the woman. "Well, a have a couple Hundred dollas...." he proudly announced. With that, the hooker interrupted him, grabbed the money, opened the door wide and hauled him by the shirt into the room. After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. "Yeah Man," Arlene said, "Me will deh yah." The next night, the fellow comes back and gives up...

4 jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach.They were all philosophizing on what the fastest thing in the world was. Seymour said "I tink de fassess ting is a thought because before you can tink it it already thought" Winston said "na man da fassess ting is a blink cos before you tink to blink you dun blink already" Delroy said "na man da fassess ting is helectricity because when you turn on the lite it travel fass and de lite come on" Leroy say "na man de fassessting is diarrhoea" `DIARRHOEA!` they all say. yes cos las nite before i could tink blink or switch de lite on me s--t meself

A "dread" was living in rural Jamaica in a community that had no electricity supply. One evening he was reading his Bible (Macabee version) and meditating, assisted by lighting from a bedside lamp (Home Sweet Home), but was bothered by the constant nuisance of some mosquitoes. He could bear it no longer so he decided to cover up under his sheet in bed, but it was useless as the mosquitoes kept biting him on his ears through the sheet. He got up and blew out the lamp and went back under the sheets, hoping that the mosquitoes would not be able to bother him if they could not see him. The Mosquitoes did not bite him for a few minutes giving the "dread" hope that his so-called plan had worked out perfectly. Now he was only...

A U.S. DEA officer under a co-operation agreement with Jamaica stopped at a farm in St Elizabeth with his team and engaged an old Rastaman in conversation. He told him, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown ganja (marijuana)." The Rastaman looked at them suspiciously and said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", and he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the U.S.A. and also of the Jamaican Government with me ! How dare you to tell me where I can go??" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the Rastaman..... "See this BADGE??! This badge means I am...

A rastaman went to visit an old family friend. Rastaman knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: " a who dat" rastaman say " i and i, jah rastafari, king of kings, lord of lord: Conquering lion of the tribe of judah, son of haile selassie i" the person inside replied: "a me one dey yah, an mi nah open de door fi so much ah oonu".

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he g...ets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I...

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because...

An old Jamaican lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives. A beautiful young woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce." The old lady with a deadpan expression says nothing. Another young, beautiful, expensive-smelling woman enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce" The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the combined perfumes. One floor later, as the Jamaican lady approaches her destination, she quietly eases out a long silent fart, which quickly...

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."