Jokes

Jokes
  • Sorry but DHRWorld.com site is down. I am working on it I will be using the backup site Jatune.com in the mean time

A Jamaican bank robber went into a bank at Half Way Tree and pulled out a gun and said: "Hevry baddy lie dung pon di grung or ah shoot yuh bloodclaat" "Tella! full up de grip wid dollaz." After the teller filled up the suitcase with money, the robber said to one man on the ground: "You deh! Yuh see a rabbry ere toodeh?" The man said "Yes! mi see every ting." So he shot the man dead and said to the next man lying beside him, "You deh! Yuh see a rabbry ere toodeh?" The man said "No sah! but mi wife see every ting."
Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution. The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution. The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "plums???" "Yes,plums" says the Bajan. The warden replies, "but them outa season!" "So?" replies the Bajan. "I gine wait..."
A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Jamaican insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the Jamaican, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-...
"Mi old, but mi nuh cold" [Do not underestimate the value of the elderly] "Every mikkle mek a mukkle" [Every little bit counts] "Every dawg has his day and every puss his 4 o'clock" [Today for me, tomorrow for you] "Cock mouth kill cock" [Watch your mouth, it can get in the great trouble!] "Sorry fi mawga dog, mawga dog wi tun round bite you" [Sometimes it is those whom we help who are the least grateful "Duppy know who fi frighten" [Bullies pick on those who can defend themselves the least] "De olda de moon, de brigher it shines" [The older a person is, the wiser] "Hog say, 'de first dutty water mi ketch, mi wash'." [Make use of the first opportunities that comes your way] "One eye man a king in blind man country". [No...
Harry was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning his wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions? Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features. ConDucta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports. Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies. As unnu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time an' it still a drive like new! This bus seat up to 55...
A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that there are different Hells for each country. First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there. "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He doesn't like this so he moves on. He goes to the U.S. Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same. Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks, "Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh,This is the Jamaican Hell" "What do they do in here?" He asks. "Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay...
Two West Indians were drinking in a bar and complaining about their bossvthat he was a real pain in the butt always giving them a hard time. The next day they met at bar again and the Bajan began boasting to the Trini, "boy ah cuss out de boss man real good, and when ah done, ah ask 'e fuh a raise and he gih it to me." Trini looked at Bajan in suprise and asked "you mean he did'n fire you?". So the next day Trini went in to work and began to cuss up the boss who looked at him and promptly fired him on the spot. That afternoon when Trini met Bajan in the bar again, he told him what happened earlier. Bajan explained "Trini muh friend, when I cuss de bossman, I cuss he in muh mind."
A "dread" was living in rural Jamaica in a community that had no electricity supply. One evening he was reading his Bible (Macabee version) and meditating, assisted by lighting from a bedside lamp (Home Sweet Home), but was bothered by the constant nuisance of some mosquitoes. He could bear it no longer so he decided to cover up under his sheet in bed, but it was useless as the mosquitoes kept biting him on his ears through the sheet. He got up and blew out the lamp and went back under the sheets, hoping that the mosquitoes would not be able to bother him if they could not see him. The Mosquitoes did not bite him for a few minutes giving the "dread" hope that his so-called plan had worked out perfectly. Now he was only...
A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child? The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody" The judge turns to the rasta and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?" The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said, "Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ... 'I and I' or the machine?
Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them? The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man." The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"
4 jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach.They were all philosophizing on what the fastest thing in the world was. Seymour said "I tink de fassess ting is a thought because before you can tink it it already thought" Winston said "na man da fassess ting is a blink cos before you tink to blink you dun blink already" Delroy said "na man da fassess ting is helectricity because when you turn on the lite it travel fass and de lite come on" Leroy say "na man de fassessting is diarrhoea" `DIARRHOEA!` they all say. yes cos las nite before i could tink blink or switch de lite on me s--t meself
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bed room closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is" Boy " I have a baseball." Man "That's nice" Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks" Boy "My dad/s outside..." Man "O.K. - How much?" Boy "$250" In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Dark in here" Man “ Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove" The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How...
Every morning John would drive down Long Lane. And almost every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $20. After a while John started to give the beggar $10. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing. After a while John started to give the Beggar $5. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it. He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5 and said, "What's happening man, yuh used to give me $20, then you cut it down to $10, and now this? John replied, "Bwoy, times have been hard; my eldest boy just started University and my daughter is now at High School ... so you know how it goes ..." The...
A Jamaican and a Trinidadian, waiting at the heavens gates, strike up a conversation. How did you die?' the Trinidadian man asked the Jamaican. I froze to death mon, said the Jamaican. That's awful! How does it feel to freeze to death? asked the Trinidadian. Well brother, it was very uncomfortable at first but when the cold hit, my whole body started to shake and I got pain in my fingers and toes. Eventually, it came, a very calm way to die. I got numb and then I just driffed off, like dying in a sleep. So how did you die Mon?' asked the Jamaican. I had a heart attack, says the Trinidadian. You see, I did believe my wife was cheating on me, so one day I show up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found...
Yuh wing soon clip Yuh mus tink seh mi born behind cow Puss an dawg nuh have de same luck Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad Dawg know who fi bite Duppy know who fi frighten Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina Yuh head faver johncrow airport Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet But unu see mi dying trial! Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn" If yuh don't hear yuh will feel Yuh free paper soon burn Yuh more harm than hurt Wen poop a chat, fart deh near It holey holey but it clean But cuh pon yuh too Use deh one stone an kill deh two...
An elderly Jamaican couple, in their 80's, went to a sex therapist's office and asks the doctor to watch them have sex. The doc is so amazed at such an elderly couple wanting sexual advise that he agrees. After watching them, the doc says, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex." He charges them $50 and they go on their way.The couple returns the next week and again ask the doc to watch them have sex. After several weeks of this, the doc finally asked the couple what they wanted him to find out. The old man replies, "we're not trying to find out anything. I'm married, so we can't go to my house, she's married so we can't go to her house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139. We do it...
The Jamaican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: Now Marie, why you feel you deserve a pay increase? Marie: Well, ma'am, three reasons why I want de increase. The first one, mi iron better than you! Wife: Who said you iron better than me? Marie: Your husband says so. Wife: Oh. Marie: The second reason........ah cooks better than you. Wife: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me? Marie: Your husband again Wife: Oh. Marie: My last reason is that I am a better lover than you. Wife: (really furious now): My husband says that as well?? Marie: No ma'am, the Gardener. Wife: How much yuh seh you want again?
USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that? JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem. USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that. JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man. USA: I wish you would quit lying. JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad. USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta! USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long JAM: But wait, no Robot naah run todey! USA: Get me a pop please JAM: Beg yuh carry wan Aerated wata fi mi deh USA: It's time for a Perm JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough? USA: Yuck!! This is nasty. JAM: Kiss mi neck back!! What a sinting tase bad...
A Jamaican country prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand --- a frail, grandmotherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy. He approached her and asked "Miss Ivy, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes me nuh yu Missa Williams. Me know yuh since yu ah young bwoy an quite frankly, yu ah one big disappointment. Yu lie, yu use fe tief bokkle and bruk people shap; yu gie yu wife bun, yu manipulate people an talk su-su pan dem behine dem back. Yuh tink say yu a big shat, an yu nuh know say yu a go come to nutten. Dat fool-fool brains yu ave mek yu a two-bit papa pusha. Yes, me know yu - yu liad, good fe nutten...." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Miss Ivy, do you...